Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

MORMON MISSIONARIES LEAN TOWARD BIGFOOT BELIEF!!!

Monday, December 15th, 2008

From The San Francisco Sentinel:

Two missionaries with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints received a scare on the night of Dec. 2 when they saw what they think was a set of sasquatch footprints outside of their Burns Lake home.

Tyler Beck and Brad Blazzard are in B.C. for two years, rotating in different communities throughout the Smithers and Burns Lake area for the past seven months.

“The first thing we thought was that someone was playing a trick on us,” Beck said.

“But we don’t know anyone our age who would do that and our house in on the southside, so pretty much in the middle of nowhere.”

The footprints, which Beck said was about 20 inches long is right in front of Beck’s porch, leading to the path where the pair keep their wood shed.

Beck said prior to finding the footprint at 9:30 p.m. on the night of Dec. 2, he didn’t really believe in the possibility of bigfoot.

“I still don’t know what to think,” he said.

“I have heard some pretty ridiculous things about bigfoot but now I am leaning toward the edge of thinking it may be possible.”

The house sits in front of a lake and Beck said in the four-and-a-half months he has been there, he has seen all manner of coyotes and wolves. This is the first time he has seen any sign of the fabled creature.

In addition to a rash of sightings in the Bulkley Valley in the summer and fall, Larry Sommerfield, a self-proclaimed sasquatch hunter from Terrace had a cast that he claimed was a sasquatch print.

Sommerfield was reluctant to tell The Terrace Standard how he came into possession of the 16-inch long cast, except to say that it was made in mid-August from a footprint found in a gravel pit just east of the Kitselas First Nation’s subdivision east of Terrace on Highway 16.  (cont.)

Link to article

Kirby: Forbes missed stressful burgs

Monday, November 10th, 2008

From The Salt Lake Tribune:

In September, Forbes listed Salt Lake City as No. 8 of America’s 10 most stressful cities. The capitol of Zion came in behind Chicago, New York, Detroit, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego and Cleveland.

Six months before the Forbes list, SLC was No. 49 on biz journal’s “Stress Rankings For 50 U.S. Metros.” What went wrong in such a short amount of time?

Probably nothing. Both lists used varying factors in determining stress levels, including air quality, cats per capita, employment, crime, cell phone reception, commuting, proximity to lepers, housing, obesity, sunshine, verified monster sightings and literacy.

As expected, not everyone was happy with the rankings. Residents immediately defended their cities.

A woman in Chicago said: “I was only shot twice this year. How can that be more stressful than Detroit?”

Meanwhile, a Loobyville, Mo., farmer was annoyed that his town didn’t even make the list. “Lots of folks here been abducted by aliens and had their backsides probed. Don’t get more stressful than that.

Neither of those people may actually exist. I’m simply trying to point out that stress is relative to the person experiencing it.

I have visited or lived in all the cities on the Forbes list and wouldn’t list any of them as the most stressful places in America. Based on personal experience and preferences, my list looks like this:

10. Kalaloch, Wash. Stressful mostly at night when you’ve been listening to Bigfoot stories and suddenly need to visit a distant outhouse.

9. Mountain Home, Idaho. One of my closest friends lives here. Unfortunately, visits are always stressful because his wife seriously hates my guts.

8. Rawlins, Wyo. I spent a highly stressful night freezing to death in a VW bug here after the highway patrol closed Interstate-80 during a blizzard.

7. Kihei, Hawaii. There isn’t enough therapy in the entire world to make me OK with the stress of a week spent here in a condo with my entire extended family.

6. Jacksonville, Fla. It’s probably changed a lot. I vaguely remember it as a city where anyone with a big mouth should avoid staggering afoul of the police.

5. North Las Vegas, Nev. My home for a couple of years primarily because I was still a teenager and the old man sometimes chained me to a post in the carport.

4. Texola, Okla. I was here for about four minutes in 1971, standing beside the highway when a 70 mph can of beer barely missed my lack of a proper haircut.

3. Columbia, S.C. I did basic training here. Given the opportunity again, I’d rather spend the same amount of time without pants in a Loobyville cornfield.

2. Fort Irwin, Calif. I lived here for several years. It’s highly stressful for anyone requiring sensory input.

1. Provo. Two months living in the LDS Church’s language training mission ranks Provo as the most stressful city in my entire life. It still makes me hyperventilate.

Link to article

CIA agents in Mormon disguise are probable to work in Russia, a renowned sect expert believes!!!

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

I couldn’t resist putting this whopper up:

From Interfax-Religon.com:

President of the Russian Association of Centers for Religious and Sectarian Studies Professor Alexander Dvorkin is concerned with Mormon activities in the Russian Federation.

“We have been informed that American Mormon missionaries were detained on the territory of secret military facilities more than once. They are accused of having CIA connections, and it is reasonable,” he is quoted as saying by the Komsomolskaya Pravda daily on Thursday.

According to the professor, Mormons have commercial interest: “they actively buy fishing industry.”

Dvorkin called this sect “a rich transnational corporation.”

“They always need people for “tithe” - a tenth part of income paid as a compulsory contribution to the sect. According to the experts, today Mormon’s tithe makes one third of their income,” he stated.

As Dvorkin said earlier, there are over 80 big sects active in more than half Russian regions. He thinks, minor sects numbers “in thousands.”

Link to article

Funny Video

Monday, April 21st, 2008

From Screaming Frog:

Wait! Don´t throw that meatball–there´s a worldwide food shortage

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

From The American Chronicle:

It all started innocently enough. It was meatball marinara sub day at Jefferson High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. And it was spring. Who could have guessed those two elements would be potentially explosive?

The fact that it was Friday probably didn´t help, either. But when one student lobbed a red, gooey meatball across the lunch room, suddenly within seconds the air was filled with high carbohydrate missiles making satisfying splats on walls, lunch tables and bewildered sophomores. The “riot” lasted only about a minute. It doesn´t take long to finish a meatball sub if you´re throwing with both hands. It might have ended there–boys will be boys and all that–if not for an unfortunate misunderstanding.

It seems a student outside the lunch room door overheard the commotion. Somebody yelled, “Run!” and the student thought he said, “Gun!”

No doubt, images of Columbine flashed though the student´s mind and he called 911. Now SWAT teams don´t normally respond to reports of food fights. But all they knew was there was somebody with a gun at Jefferson High. So when the police arrived to find 50 or 60 kids, along with walls, floors, etc. covered in a carnage of red goop, their hearts must have skipped a beat.

Since the cops were called in, eight students were charged with disorderly conduct, mainly because a lot of clothes had been stained beyond repair. But if the incident had happened in, say, Haiti, they might not have gotten off so easily.

In less than a year, worldwide food prices have shot up more than 40 percent. Robert Zoellick, president of the World Bank reports that the price of staple food items have jumped 80 percent since 2005. Food riots of a very different sort than occurred at Jefferson High have been taking place in Haiti, Egypt and China.

Here in this country, the US Department of Agriculture revealed that food prices rose four percent in 2007, the largest increase in 17 years. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports a 60 percent increase in wholesale egg prices over last year. The price of pasta jumped 30 percent and fresh produce rose 20 percent. The increase in food prices hits the average American even more than the skyrocketing gas prices because food accounts for 13 percent of their budget, whereas gasoline takes only four percent.

Some of this increase in food costs and lower food reserves is the result of the recent trend that many farmers are now raising corn, not for food, but to satisfy the country´s growing hunger for alternative fuels. This year, farmers are expected to raise 86 million acres of corn for food, down from 93.6 million acres last year.  (cont.)

Entire article here

The curse of bad language

Friday, March 14th, 2008

From The Daily Hearld (UT):

Question: Is it too darned late to keep Utah Valley’s children from plunging into the abyss of crude language that is sweeping American culture?

This comes to mind because South Pasadena, Calif., this month held an official No Cussing Week. No, the Pasadena police didn’t haul anyone off to jail for letting an expletive escape. It was meant as a moral exhortation to improve the tone of life. As Mayor Michael Cacciotti said, “It provides us a reminder to be more civil, to elevate the level of discourse.”The drive was inspired by 14-year-old McKay Hatch, who founded a No Cussing Club at his high school. The club has a Web site and lists 10,000 members across the nation and in other countries.

“My mom and dad always taught me good morals, good values, and not cussing was one of them,” he said.

The influence of his parents, Brent and Phelecia Hatch, is beyond dispute: They co-authored “Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-rated World.” According to media reports, Brent Hatch is a cousin of U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah.

You may have guessed that in a story about avoiding bad language there would be a Utah connection. You might even be thinking, “Utah Valley is already one big no-cussing zone. We don’t have anything to worry about.”

If only it were true. Listen carefully, and you may find that the language of your children, co-workers, neighbors, friends and even family is no longer as clean as a fresh snowfall. Come to think of it, even white snow isn’t clean anymore according to a recent news report.

Language is an integral part of the world we live in, and it is subject to trends, mainly introduced by the young to torment the old. Today, coarse (by the old standard) language has infiltrated music, movies and cable TV. Even the public airwaves have degenerated. A current radio ad for a local ski resort, for example, uses a word signifying what wind does to describe the quality of a competitor’s slopes. A generation or two ago this word was heard only at construction sites, prisons, red light districts and Army barracks.  (cont.)

Entire article here

Why Can’t Mormons Send Flowers? [Cheers video]

Saturday, March 8th, 2008

More than willing to serve as church’s official bell ringer

Friday, March 7th, 2008

From The Spectrum (UT):

In the Mormon Church, everyone gets a job. Well, almost everyone. Little kids are exempted, as well as the infirm, but everyone else is a candidate for “volunteer” employment.

From an early age, we’re told that every church calling is the same in the “eyes of the Lord,” and reminded not to “aspire to positions of authority.” According to this “official” word, being a bishop is no better or worse than being tossed into a room full of toddlers as a nursery leader. I don’t buy it. You see, not everyone is forced to sit on the stand and stay awake each week. I don’t know why the bishopric is punished any more than the others, but it’s obvious they are singled out for a reason.

Now, ever since I was young, I have been drawn to a particular position of real power found in every LDS Ward. Yes, I know that some of you have already placed money on the guy at the front who stands up and counts the local population each week. He’s the only one who is “allowed” to actually get up and exercise right during someone’s talk, just moseying about, surreptitiously taking notes.

I’m somewhat suspicious that he’s really tallying the total number of sleepers - which he’ll enter into a computer - and along with similar totals from LDS Churches all over the world, will light up winning numbers on Keno boards in Las Vegas. Could it be?Yes, he’s in the upper echelon all right, but my particular aspiration is even higher than that. OK, I’m just going to blurt it out without shame: I’ve always wanted to be the Second Counselor in the Sunday School. You know, the guy who officially “rings the bell” between classes. I know it’s a tough job, but I think I’ve finally matured enough to perform the task with professional panache. Heck, I might even start wearing a suit. Who knows?  (cont.)

Entire article here

Mormon Rap [video]

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008

Hit list proves harmless

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

From The Argus observer (OR):

Ontario — A “hit list” that turned out to be from a classroom exercise at the Nyssa Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Seminary caused a brief commotion among school and law enforcement authorities Tuesday morning, Nyssa Police Chief Lenny Elfering said.

“You react to the greatest possible danger and give a big sigh of relief when it doesn’t happen,” he said.

The crisis that never was, Elfering said, began when a student at Nyssa Elementary School found a piece of paper on the playground with 13 names on it. At the top of the sheet were the words “Hit List.” That was enough to get principals, teachers, deputies and police officers involved. The 13 students on the list, all from Nyssa High School, were called to the principal’s office and their parents notified, Elfering said. That’s when the principal realized all of the students also went to the LDS Seminary.

The students quickly explained, Elfering said, that the list came from a classroom game that involved students tapping the shoulders of other students, leading to a prize for someone, and a list of students who had been tapped, or “hit.”

Elfering, who was still breathing a sigh of relief Tuesday afternoon, said the incident served as a good drill because it put a local safety apparatus in motion needed in a real emergency.

Entire article here

MormonSpeak: Joyfully overwhelmed

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

By Joseph Walker in The Deseret Morning News:

My favorite part of Monday’s press conference at which a new First Presidency of the LDS Church was introduced was when President Dieter F. Uchtdorf walked into the room. While the rest of the brethren looked pleasant enough — calm, handsome, distinguished — only President Uchtdorf wore a big, broad smile.

As the newest member of the First Presidency, he had to know that every media eye was upon him — well, OK, him and President Monson. But rather than playing it cool, he smiled a smile that perfectly expressed what he was feeling inside — something he later characterized as being “joyfully overwhelmed.”

I could relate to that. Having been “joyfully overwhelmed” a few times in my life, I knew exactly how that felt. And even if I hadn’t actually felt it myself a time or two, I would have understood it perfectly because it was so clearly written on his face with that smile.

My second-most favorite moment of the press conference was also courtesy of President Uchtdorf. Right after he talked about being “joyfully overwhelmed” he testified that “I know this call comes from God because human beings would have had a difficult time to do the same.”

Who hasn’t thought that when an especially challenging calling has been issued? Like when I was called to be a Scoutmaster. For the third time. And I don’t even like camping.

“I know this call must have come from the Lord,” I told my wife, Anita, “because nobody else would have called me to this calling for the third time, especially after the way I messed it the first two times.”

So OK, President Uchtdorf didn’t exactly say anything about messing up. But the sentiment is the same. Or at least similar.

And I guess that’s part of the beauty of the Lord’s method of gospel governance. Even though few of us will ever know what it feels like to be a newly called member of the First Presidency, we all know how it feels to be “joyfully overwhelmed” by a new calling. New bishops are almost always “joyfully overwhelmed.” So are new Sunbeam teachers. And our new ward mission leader, himself a member for less than two years, confessed that his first thought upon being called to his position was: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Which is essentially saying, “I’m joyfully overwhelmed.” Only with shorter words.

Of course, there were other highlights of the press conference: President Eyring’s enthusiastic deference to President Monson in all things; Elder Scott’s tender and attentive care of Elder Wirthlin; President Monson’s correction of a reporter’s suggestion that he has a special affection for rocky road ice cream (“Yes, I like ice cream,” President Monson said. “All kinds”).

And suddenly, just like that, the administration of President Gordon B. Hinckley is officially over, and the administration of President Thomas S. Monson has begun.

Entire article here

Skip meds; cheer up your pet naturally

Monday, January 21st, 2008

From The Deseret Morning News:

A friend recently left me a voicemail, telling me that her cat is depressed. At least that’s what the vet said. Furthermore, the vet thinks the cat should be medicated for his condition.

“What do ya think?” my friend asked me.

I haven’t called her back yet, but here are my thoughts on the matter. First, there is no shame WHATSOEVER in having a pet who’s depressed and/or anxious. When my mother went on an LDS mission, her dog (who lived with us) fell into a deep depression, which caused him to bite the stake clerk when he came to our house on church business.

STAKE CLERK: I have to go the Cannons’ house again.

STAKE PRESIDENT: Dude! Have fun getting bitten!

My mother’s dog stopped biting (I’m not kidding) thanks to Dog Prozac, which I gave him every morning. Also, people eventually refused to come to our house, and that helped put an end to the biting, too.

So anyway. Big Yes! I’m all for meds!

Meds, in fact, helped another friend who contacted a pet psychiatrist about her cats when she was living in Manhattan. When the doctor arrived at my friend’s place (he made house calls), he formally introduced himself as Dr. so and so. But when he stuck his head under the bed and introduced himself to her cats who were hiding there, he used his first name to put them at ease.

Next to “My Friend, Flicka,” I think this may be my favorite pet story in the entire history of the world.

Before she takes her cat straight to the Medication Place, however, I think my friend should try to cheer him up naturally because PETS+NATURAL=GOOD.

And since cats are the undisputed 14-year-old girls of the animal world (it’s true! They’re just always copping an attitude!), my friend should make a list of the things that would make a 14-year-old girl happy and then try them out on her cat.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Provide her cat with unlimited texting minutes.

2. Take her cat and all his BFFs to the mall where they can hang out and also get makeovers.

3. Buy him an iTunes card so he can catch the latest episode of “Hannah Montana” on his brand new video iPod.

4. Which she should buy for him today.

5. Take him to Best Nails for a pedicure. Say “oui” to a reverse French manicure.

6. Let him go to the next formal dance even though he’s not 16 yet.

7. Let him stay up late on a school night and watch any DVD of his choice.

8. Let him sleep in (Hey! He’s tired! He stayed up all night watching “Ten Things I Hate About You”!) and miss his first three periods because you know how it is — nobody’s doing anything in class today anyway.

Entire article can be found here